You’re a RB1, James Cook…

We are officially 16.666666666666666666666666% of the way through the 2025 NFL football regular season. Yes, I actually did the math, because precision is important when we’re talking about something as life-or-death as whether your 7th-round sleeper wide receiver managed to snag three garbage-time catches against the Panthers. At this precise juncture in the fantasy calendar, you can comfortably be sorted into one of FOUR fantasy houses.

Fantasy Houses:

House Juggernaut

• Motto: “Every down is 1st-and-goal.”
• Traits: Swagger, dominance, waiver-wire wizardry, playoff tormentor energy.
• House Colors: Gold and red-zone.
• Vibe: This house struts into Sunday like it’s already crowned champion. Members get suspicious looks because no one believes their draft was that good without divine (or diabolical) intervention.

House Tailgate/Hale

• Motto: “Win, lose, or booze.”
• Traits: Chill vibes, low stress, lineup set… maybe.
• House Colors: Cooler blue and paper-plate white.
• Vibe: They’re not here for the trophy — they’re here for the wings, the banter, and maybe to remember to swap out that injured flex on Sunday morning. Fantasy is a potluck, and they brought napkins.

House Turf Curse

• Motto: “Injuries are forever.”
• Traits: Endless despair, waiver-wire panic, trauma bonding with fellow sufferers.
• House Colors: Ice pack blue and crutch gray.
• Vibe: Every week feels like an ACL tear to the heart. Players underperform, QBs self-destruct, and their bench looks like an ER waiting room. They embody the dark magic of fantasy pain.

House Hail Mary

• Motto: “It only takes one play.”
• Traits: Optimism, chaos, belief in miracles, love of late-game drama.
• House Colors: Sky blue and end-zone silver.
• Vibe: These managers live for desperation moves — plugging in a WR4 and praying for a 70-yard bomb with 0:16 left. They thrive on improbable comebacks and believe the fantasy gods always leave the back door open. Sometimes they’re right, and it’s glorious.

No matter where you sort yourself, remember, fantasy is a marathon, not a sprint. Seasons turn. Players rise from obscurity. Waiver wires are littered with lottery tickets. And if you can survive the early chaos, you just might Baltimore Ravens-claw your way back to relevance. Because, at the end of the day, only the girthy survive the grind.

So dust yourself off, brace your emotions, and prepare your rosters, because it’s that time once again…

Let’s get beatin’ it!

The Injury Bugle…

Bengals, commanders and Vikings…OH MY!

Week 2 the reaper was busy! The blue tent popped up faster than your significant other can say “grab the Blue Chew!” (not a sponsor). 

Joe Burrow hurt his whittle piggies and is going wee wee wee all th way home. Out for at least THREE months. For what is basically a bad case of gout. Wild! Joey is certainly going to feel the penetration of this IR assignment. But not all is lost, he swooped Browning, arguably the best back up QB in the league from the waivers. Well played Joseph. Well played. 

Jayden! The Karate Kid that no one asked for! Why god why?!?!? Daniels suffered a knee sprain that is going to sideline him for at least week 3. Not to worry Commies, Marcus Mariota(?), yikes, is here to save the day. HOLD THE PHONE. I wrote the previous before checking Justin’s roster. He is actually going with Mariota. That’s a bold move Cotton. Let’s see how that works out for him. 

JJ cum back! You can blame it all on Kevin O’C! Is JJ McCarthy really hurt? Or is he really just ass? I think we all know the Truth Social (not a sponsor). Regardless, he is OUT. Scotty has decided he is a fan of the 10th letter of the alphabet and subbed in J Herbert for week 3 (and week 2 i know Cat, DAMN!). A solid play. Rumors have it that the JJ experiment is over in Minnesota. 

Injuries are awful, no one likes to see them…in slo mo…repeated 10 times after a commercial break. But at the end of the day, how you adjust to the injury is what matters. Is it a season ending IR play for your roster? Or is it really just a twisted ankle? We move!

Sideline Smack!

Just so happens that I ran into the GM of Show Me Your TDs, Austin Scott, while checking into the Denver Motel 6, this week to cover their home defense of the undefeateds against Captain Morgan this week.  I asked him for a quick comment as he prepares to defend his pristine record early in the season against a formidable opponent like the Captain.

(Austin did not respond to my request for comment in time and I had a deadline so this section is ruined. To be honest, this is on me, not Austin. I make this shit up on the fly and asked for a comment roughly 5 mins before my deadline. I promise to be better moving forward. I will break that promise. Let’s pretend he did give me a comment in time though. For funsies.)

I love me some good BDSM fantasy smack talkin! Austin did not hold back! Tie me up and gag me with the tension of the fake football world zaddy! Football is the greatest game ever played. There just is nothing else like it. Let’s crack a cold Diet Miller, look at our wives for the last time for the next 13 hours and tell our kids that we love them but do not want to see them. It’s kickoff time!

Until next week…dear friends…thanks for letting me beat off in your eyes.