Monday’s Ravens/Bills game was the best game of the last decade…change my mind…

Welcome back my lovelies!

Charlie and the chocolate factory…Some would say this is a come up story of a poor young man who strikes gold and eventually earns himself ownership rights to a business that in reality he has no reason to be involved in anyways. But what is this story really about? I think you could argue that Wonka is like a brother to young Charlie. A wiser, better looking and stronger willed older brother with loads of cash to hire little people to do his work for him while he reaps the profits. And through their time together, Wonka sees what Charlie can be and ends up signing the deed to the factory over to young Charlie, knowing full well he will tank the factory and end up getting caught on racketeering and embezzlement charges in the near future. That is love.

You may be asking yourself, “did kyle just make a Charlie Kirk reference in broad daylight and also poke fun at his own career situation in the same intro to the Beat Off for week 2? And what the hell does this have to do with football?”

Great question Joey! I know you are the only idiot reading this. Rent Free.

Let’s get to Beatin’ It!

Just The Tips!

It is time for the first edition of Just The Tips! You one stop shop of who to sit and who to start. Enter gently and come out on top! Aim for the belly button.

START:
– Danny Dimes (Sunday 4:05pm V DEN): Look, starting Daniel Jones pre-2025 was the fantasy equivalent of betting on a one-legged horse at the Kentucky Derby. But week one showed us who he really is. A COLT, the stallion has found his stable. Week 2 vs. the Broncos? No brainer! Denver’s defense made every QB they faced in 2024 look like Joe Montana in his prime. Jones has legs too — and while most QBs use theirs to walk to the sideline, Danny Dimes actually runs with them. Expect a couple of accidental 40-yard scrambles, a touchdown pass to someone you didn’t even draft, and at least one moment where you say, “Wait… did I just get fantasy points for that?”

Either way. This is a no brainer. Danny Dimes for 225+, 4 tuddies and probably one unbelievably bad INT. Lock it in!

– Travis Hunter (Sunday 1:00pm V CIN): Travis Hunter plays more snaps than your entire fantasy roster combined. Wide receiver? Cornerback? Waterboy? If the Jags need a halftime show, he might juggle too. Starting him in fantasy feels like cheating — he’s basically two players duct-taped together. And you get rewarded by earning just half the points he produces for his team! What could go wrong?

We do not know how long the body of Hunter will hold up. So milk him for all he is worth early in the season!

SIT:
– Kyle Pitts (SNF 8:20pm v MIN): Did Pitts outperform his week 1 projection? Yes. Did he wrangle in a solid 7 receptions for 59 yards and 9.40 FP? Sure. But don’t do this to yourself. I know who Pitts is Corey. You know who Pitts is. Let the dead rest. Projected 6.54 against a solid MIN D? Stop it! Get some help!

– Caleb Williams (Sunday 1:00pm @ DET): Listen. I know I hate the man. I know I do not shut up about it. But the highlight of Williams week one is that he shares a nail tech with Angel Reese. The prosecution rests its case you honor.

It is probably pretty obvious I rant out of steam for this segment. We move!

Uncle D’s Cherry Poppers!

Let’s take a look at this week’s Rookie watch list subject. This was honestly a hard pick. On one hand, Ebuka scoring the game winning tuddy after a monster debut game was impressive. But as an unbiased homer Colts fan, Tyler Warren showed us he is ALL MAN and all he was hyped to be.

So this week’s highlight is an obvious choice for me. Emeka Egbuka is going to be a PROBLEM in fantasy this season. If he is not on your roster, you should be offering your first born or soon to be wife to get him on your team. This kid is a STUD!

Week one stat line: 4rec, 67yds, 9ry and 2 tuddies for 21.60FPs. All signs point to a new favorite target for baker. Egbuke could single handedly be the reason Evans misses out on his next 1,000 yard season. You heard it here first.

Inside The Huddle

For our first ever manager interview we sat down with the GM of team Captain Morgan, Scotty Morgan.

Uncle Dick: Scooter, can I call you scooter? You made a statement last week with an engorged 173.74 point victory of a typically satisfying 147.08 tally from the Bower Rangers. What about your ability to finish on Jensen’s face was the key to victory?

Scott: Justin Herbert said “Hold my Madison Beer!” and came fast. Friday night my team started off strong and just performed consistently! Then JJ McCarthy, who I alone trusted, showed what my team is all about…Grit! We never give up and we are here to put on a show!

Uncle Dick: Interesting. Hopefully she wasn’t an offensive iPA…hahahahaha. I kid, I kid…Anyways, JJ McCarthy was so trusted that you chose to start him in the Super Flex position. Was that a hard decision? What did he show you in the off season to earn that coveted alternate slot?

Scott: Off season reports were that everyone in the locker room really thought he was special and could lead the team (editor’s note: leading from a made up roster slot introduced this season?). After the year Sam Darnold had, and the Vikings deciding to move on then I had to believe the hype! (Editor’s note: by starting him in a made up slot).

Uncle Dick: And what do you think is the key to keeping the blood flow going strong in week 2 against Team King Henry, who put up an admirable, but some could say, underperforming 111.44 last week?

Scott: We aren’t focused on Team Henry this week…we are going to control what we can control. Time will tell if we can go multiple rounds or if we blew our fantasy load week one for a measly $20. Just want to put the league on notice…take a lesson from Bower Rangers…when you play the Captain, be ready for WAR! Because you’ll probably find yourself with an L and one way ticket to the IR next week (imagine steam nostril emoji here. This is a digital column not iMessage).

Well there you have it folks. Grab your lucky sock and a sweat rag. Week 2 is edging us all closer and closer. Best of luck out there. You literally have a 50% chance of losing. Let that sink in. This is all useless.

Week 3 teasers:

• The Pull Out Methods
• Sideline Smack!
• The Injury Bugle