Wake up idiots! It’s week one!

Well, well, well… look who dragged themselves back for another season of heartbreak, bad trades, and questionable life choices. Welcome to the 2025 Fantasy FOOLball season, gentlemen — the year Uncle Dick officially steps off the field and onto the page. Consider this column your weekly reminder that your fantasy hopes are fragile, your excuses are weak, and your rivals are laughing at you behind your back.

Week 1 is a special feeling. And while there are plenty of negative story lines. Like our sweet prince Scott Hanson being compromised by Big Mickey. There is also plenty to look forward to.

As an unbiased and honest journalist in his first season with the league. I plan to bring you the hard hitting news weekly for the league. The amount of effort I actually put into this is yet to be seen. But I can promise you all at least one thing. I wrote one article (with help from chatGPT) this week.  I make no further guarantees. Let’s Ride. 

Today there is less journalism and more data. I want us to take a look back in order to take a look forward. What effect does the results of last season have on this season? More than you may think. And surprisingly different than you may think as well. It’s time for…

The Gospel According to Dick

Every fantasy league has a Joey. Someone that cries from the rooftop that, “It doesn’t matter where you pick, it’s all about how you manage the waiver wire.” Wrong. DUMBASS! Data does not lie! KEEP. DATA. PUBLIC.

Sleeper’s 2024 data tells an interesting story: some draft slots are a fast track to glory, while others are a one-way ticket to punishMEAT (RIP. gone too soon).

For 12-team leagues, here’s the pecking order of championship odds from last year:
1, 5, 6, 7, 11, 10, 9, 12, 4, 8, 3, 2

Translation: Unsurprisingly, Pick 1 is king. While picks 2 & 3 are where dreams go to die.

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📊 Draft Slot History vs. Our League

Team	Draft Slot	Sleeper Rank
Austin (Show Me Your TDs)	1	🏆 1st (Best slot)
Scotty (Captain Morgan)	5	2nd
Murk (King Henry)	6	3rd
Bryant (The Faks)	Literally does not matter. You have no chance.	lol haha hehe
Kory (Halestorm)	11	5th
Joey (Grand Admiral Jawn)	10	6th
Justin (Kachow)	12	7th
Jensen (Bower Rangers)	9	8th
Corey (Love Thy Nabers)	4	9th
Adam (Koukain Flain)	8	10th
Nathan (The Nemmonster)	3	11th
Cat (Bryant’s Tiny Grill)	2	💀 12th (Worst slot)

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Blessed by History

• Austin, Scotty, Murk, Bryant*: you four are sitting in the draft slots most likely to turn into a championship. No excuses — it’s now or never.
  • *Bryant need not apply. You have literally no chance. Not opinion. Just data. 

Playoff Hopefuls

• Kory, Joey, Justin, Jensen: history gives you decent odds, but no guarantees. You’re living in the “wild card” zone. Data would tell us that being a repeat champ is not as difficult as it may seem for Justin. 

Cursed by the Draft Gods

• Corey, Adam, Nathan, Cat: you boys drew the short straw. Sleeper says you’re basically fighting gravity. One of you is destined for last. The rest will be lucky to make the playoffs. 

Data Data Data

• This year’s title is statistically hiding in the Austin–Scotty–Murk–NOT Bryant quadrant. One of you four is carrying the belt in 2025. Meanwhile, Cat and Nathan…history says you’ll be spending December running from depression instead of chasing trophies.
  

With this in mind. Let’s take a look at some fun projections heading into week 1.

Boom or Bust?: Week 1 PreDICKtions

Fantasy football is a crap shoot. That is what makes it the most useless emotional roller coaster in the world. “Will he? / Won’t he?”. It is the biggest adrenaline rush of our fat lives! Here are my week 1 booms or busts.

🍆 Bust a Nut (Big Letdowns)

1. Aaron Rodgers (Adam)

• The old man’s back, but the fireworks aren’t. Week 1 against a hungry defense? Expect more sideline sighs than fantasy points. Adam has him as a savvy vet play, but Rodgers is starting this season as a weaker asset to any fantasy team than his own achilles is to his body. The idea of even having Rodgers on a fantasy roster is laughable.
  

1. Davante Adams (Jensen)
   • Drafting Adams was like buying a Ferrari and realizing it comes with a Kia Forte engine under the hood (Aidan O’Connell). Week 1 is going to remind Jensen this ain’t 2020 anymore. The only sunny side of this roster slot is the one setting in LA each week.
     
2. Caleb Williams (Kory)
   • We all know Williams will has spent more time this off-season scripting his nail polish color combos than studying opposing defensive schemes. Caleb scrambles more than a Waffle House line cook in Duluth. 

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🌱 Growers Not Showers (Surprise Performers)

1. James Conner (Joey)
   • Everyone sleeps on Conner like he’s an old used Honda Civic. But Week 1, he’s revving up with a touchdown and 80+ yards. Admiral Joey might actually smile.
     
2. George Pickens (Austin)
   • New team, who dis? Week 1, Pickens goes for a deep bomb TD that keeps Austin’s season alive (for one week at least). This is, of course assuming he doesn’t literally try to fight the entire eagles roster because someone calls him a doo doo head on the sideline.
     
3. Ashton Jeanty (Bryant)
   • Look, it is no secret that Jeanty went from an all time College season to a lackluster pre-season. But Week 1 he is about to show us why he should have won the Heisman. Bryant is making a statement with this RB1 slot start. And he will be greatly rewarded. Although it literally does not matter. Bryant could start me at RB1 and have the same end of season results. But at least week one will be good for  single position player on your roster. 
   • Keep an eye out for Jeanty on the “Cherry Poppers” rookie watch list next week…

🔮 Uncle Dick’s Reckless Hot Take

Someone who spent a 1st-round pick (Bijan, Gibbs, Barkley, Jefferson, Chase, etc.) is going to score fewer points than a kicker this week. And when it happens, Uncle Dick will be there to remind you.

That is it for week one. Starting next week we will start to dive into the nitty gritty of the fantasy season. Our first team owner interviews and waiver wire knee jerk reactions. Who comes out on top this week? Who, other than Bryant, realizes they have no shot to win it all? 

Week 2 teasers: 

• Just the Tips:: Start/Sit recommendations
• Uncle D’s Cherry poppers: Rookie watch list
• Inside The Huddle: Manager interview